THIS IS ALL I KNOW
Those that have been long-time readers of my blog may recall posts I wrote in May of 2007 with regard to a personality disorder I uncovered in my life. When I was a teenager, I lost two men of ultimate import within just a few years of each other. My Opa was my best friend and passed away when I was 15; two years later I lost my father. For any young girl, strong male role models are key figures in their growth and development.
The loss of these two men so early in my life had a profound effect, one that I would not come to realize until many years later. More recently, professionals in the psychology field have coined the term abandoholism to describe individuals who become gripped by fear, insecurity and panic at the idea of losing loved ones. Over time, these symptoms only worsen and manifest deeper, rather than dissipate. This can overwhelmingly affect relationships with friends, family and loved ones, and (as in my case) ultimately leads to distrust and a tendency to push people away rather than risk losing them.
Original Photo: Berlotti on Flickr
There was a definite catch-22 in discovering something such as this about myself. On one hand, it felt incredibly defeating because it’s easy to lay blame and judgment on myself. On the other, the freedom and drive it gave me was unreal. When I was younger, I was a die-hard optimist, but so much so that I became more of an idealist. Now I consider myself a realist. I’ll take my truth and certainty over fantastical notions.
After my discovery and subsequent journey into abandoholism, I started seeing a counsellor. It was expensive and therefore short-lived. In recent months I decided to re-visit the idea of talking to someone because it is absolutely crucial. In truth, finding a good counsellor to talk to is, I think, something that should be an essential part of everyone’s life. And so I have now had four sessions over the last two months, and am incredibly excited at what’s ahead.
In yesterday’s session I explored that which is at the heart of me – my sense of self, my acceptance of who I am (the good, the bad and the hideously ugly) and a true understanding of where I am at. The freedom and drive that came from discovering my abandoholic tendencies has subsequently allowed me to shed some skin. I have lost more than a few friends since that time last year and I’m okay with that. It is more important to hold on to the ones that are nourishing to my liveliness.
I have a long, long, long way to go. But then again, we all do. Part of accepting myself is accepting the fact that I will never reach a final pinnacle in my development – there will always be growth, change, progress and flow. I may not be leaving the city, but there is definite movement in this girl’s life.
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There will always be growth, change, progress and flow…how true. I think that every day I discover something new about myself.
Wow…good for you. It’s STILL hard to for me to admit I ” talk to someone” about my fears of abandonment and codependent habits. But yes, my therapist is absolutely amazing…and I am so thankful I found her to remind me of things, and her suggestions actually stick. My fav?
Be in the Present Moment.
Speak your Truth.
Be intimate with yourself.
I just love it…and everything that approaches me and makes me feel fearful…I got back to that!
Good stuff girl…
What an insightful entry. Self discovery is of paramount importance…good for you for making the most out of this journey of life and for being so honest about it…you’re truly inspiring, my friend.
xo
I’m happy that you wrote about being in therapy. All the cool kids are doing it
i think the tough part is realizing as you get older, that there is always the risk that someone will leave you or die – and when it happens it hurts like a bitch, but love has risk. Also, not to inadvertently choose people who won’t let you get close and watch the cycle continue, however, i read on a site some where – the second you stop risking love is the moment you start dying, and, depending on your personality, many people just can’t settle and it is the trying to figure out why someone won’t give you what you need – and feeling you are to blame – that is the issue…
when you find someone who doesn’t push you away or only let you have half of them, someone who brings you closer, and who won’t toss you to the curb in their head or start you off on some emotional unavailablity circus, who says what they mean, and means what they say it all comes together – it may just not look like the way we all envision it.
the key is allowing yourself fuck ups, and understanding that with age will come a lot more understanding of one’s self – it can be depressing in the meantime as people let you down, and we try to spin figuring out why mates/lovers leave – but it is part of life, and the rewards are great
and even if we are left alone – which, in the end, we all are – we lived
Strange that I didn’t orginally see your post last year, as I thought I had been frequenting your website for over a year now. Sounds like you’re on a good path now in life. I’m sure I have a few things myself to work through, I feel like I’m generally on a good path as well. I try and be reflective in my life and in my work. I’m grateful for being able to have a decent head on my shoulders…most of the time.
I think it is great that you are finding some sort of balance in your life. It takes alot to achieve something that takes a life time to maintain. Good for you for having the will to try.
Wow, in my opinion it takes a lot of courage to share a situation like this one, you are definitely an example to many !!!
Bravo K, what a wonderful gift to yourself. I went to a Spiritual Counsellor about 10 years ago but only a handful of times as it too was tres expensive, but I cherished every moment and the path I started basically unfolded for itself.
as always, inspiring and refreshing.
xo