I MAKE SAILORS BLUSH
It’s 5:48pm, and I am sitting in an apartment that’s too warm, with fans that are too breezy and a puppy that’s the right amount of cuddly on my lap. Another puppy alternates between staring intensely out the window at passerby and thrashing his stuffed soccer ball. You’d think that I wouldn’t have many cares in the world, but at this moment, I wouldn’t even know where to begin explaining to you all how I feel. Because, the truth is, I don’t even know what I’m thinking. While many of you may have developed a sunburn over the last few days, my brain’s caught ADD – or so it feels.
Sitting at my desk on Friday, I knew that something was amiss. The only way I could describe what I was feeling was that my soul drains were clogged. Anticipating a renewing experience the next morning at my Hidden Language yoga class with a handful of awesome ladies (my mom included), I pushed the feeling away, knowing I’d soon find a cure for the clog while bending and writing.
Photo: justthisguyyouknow on Flickr
The next morning, as I twisted my spine and gaze gently at my stretched out left palm, my eyes met the small, box-shaped window that ran across the top of the heritage space. Between my eyes and the blue sky were the roof ledge of the building next door and the top spirals of some sort of tower. I thought to myself “this isn’t right…after an experience like this, I should be able to walk out into an environment that reflects what I’m feeling in here.”
I wanted to leave my gem of a yoga studio and be surrounded by lush trees, warm sun, water, earth and the sounds of birds flying in the distance. Instead I was met with sirens, exhaust, buses, concrete, vehicles, rancid food smells and a whole other bouquet of unsavouriness. And as we ladies walked to brunch after class, I suddenly remembered something a old friend of mine once told me as we sat on my balcony at 2am one night: he said “You know, it’s really strange that you live 12 storeys off the ground. It isn’t natural to live up so high.” I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was right. And so the next day I walked to my 11th-floor office and he caught an early ferry back to Vancouver Island. That right there says so much.
Photo: justthisguyyouknow on Flickr
This afternoon, as I navigated my way through the steel chaos, first to Stanley Park and then to drop my mom off (ironically so she, too, could catch a ferry to Vancouver Island), I found myself amazed that I hadn’t ripped my hair out. Every other word falling out of my mouth was enough to make a sailor blush. How I’ve managed to live in downtown Vancouver for as many years as I have is somewhat astonishing. Only within recent months have I realized how un-me it is; how unnatural it is. And yet, I feel so stuck in neutral without the possibility of change. Only weeks ago I felt so close and so on the precipice of that kind of change, but my hopes came shattering around me that Sunday morning on the bathroom floor.
What I seem so often to forget is that so many others are walking around in the same state that I am in. We all desire change, something new in our lives, we all dread going to work on Monday mornings, we all dread bill-paying time each month and can’t figure out how to jump off the gerbil wheel. Maybe we’re too scared that we’ll bump our own asses as we make the leap, or maybe we’re all just too scared to find out what is – or isn’t – off the wheel.
Is it up to the universe to make our choices for us and come what may via fate? Or are we expected to make decisions and have a little bit of faith that they’re the right decisions? If anything, I’m writing this as a means to exorcising my cognitive demons. Sometimes this is the best way to untangle the ball of Christmas lights…or at least start chipping away at it.
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11 Comments
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You’re mind,heart,soul are trying to tell you, you need a change. A new begining to a home and life with positive energy & light.
“but my hopes came shattering around me that Sunday morning on the bathroom floor.”
Care to share?
sometimes getting what you want comes down to what you’re willing to give up. I still have the responsibility of family or I would have been in South America some years ago.
Somewhat ironically, I’m debating about cutting my ties here in Ottawa and beginning a new adventure in the city you presently call home … I guess we’re all called to different places at different times in our lives for different reasons. I don’t know if I’ll actually go through with it – but I can’t help but feel the Universe is nudging me in that direction. It’s scary as hell, but sometimes I think you have to just go toward the fear – at least that way you’ll have your answers instead of just being left with questions. Does that make any sense?
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Pain, suffering and depression are all caused by a disconnect between where we are and where we’d rather be. Sometimes what we think we want is also what we really need but many times it is merely something, somewhere or someone other than what we have now.
I don’t know you personally, so I can’t comment on where you find yourself. But I do know that for myself, I am finally learning after years of anxiety, depression and unfulfilled expectations, to accept the present moment… and it has brought me tremendous peace.
I’m going to disagree with Dan a bit on this one and say that getting what you want comes down to wanting what you already have.
And remember that home is just a ferry ride away.
City living can become tiresome. It never stops, the people never stop, the buildings become bigger and things get faster. Us Humans have made it that way and I think it has left a lot of us at a lose, always wondering what to do next. At times like this we end up craving stillness, nature and a chance to get out of the concrete jungle. After all this is where we all came from originally.
If I were you, I’d book some holiday and go home for a week. rejuvenate and re-asses whats important to you. Go easy on yourself though otherwise it all gets a bit cloudy
I believe that most walk around, unaware of the concrete jungle they live in. People like yourself are aware, and want more, earning to get back to nature where our bodies are nourished and our souls flourish. I don’t think you’ll find it here in Vancouver Keira, but I think you already know that. Think of your time here as a stepping stone towards something, someplace more meaningful for you. I know it is for me. I give myself 2 years max here, and I’m off to someplace with community, like Salt Spring Island.
In the meantime, we will keep going to Radha yoga to keeps us balanced.
You and I have had long conversations, both in person and on our blogs about whether Vancouver is a toxic city. The thing I have found lately is that more and more the hummingbird is becoming the polar bear. When I need time for myself, I just book an entire morning and afternoon “just for me”.
You are a beautiful woman with an equally beautiful soul. I will second everyone’s comments in saying that you will find the right way to keep the balance (heading home to the Island, or whatever). I’m sure you will find that balance, one way or another.
Love and hugs.
I believe that the universe has a purpose for you to be in Vancouver right now Keira, but I think Phaedra’s absolutely right about the city being a stepping stone for you. She’s also right about having Radha yoga to keep us balanced in the meantime.
We’re all pretty lucky to have each other to bounce our thoughts, ideas and feelings off of too…
…and the occasional summer beach getaway to paradise so that we can rejeuvenate our souls and replenish our spirits.
Hey Keira,
It’s amazing that you posted this “city aggression” because, although I loved the time I spent there this past week, I found myself really upset about the tiniest things. I’m not usually so frustrated or annoyed…people walking “too slow”, kids in restaurants, pushy shoppers in H&M….it all aggravated me! I couldn’t believe the horrible thoughts that ran through my head at the time….yet, I’d still love to live there…I agree with Jen, a summer beach getaway is the way to go….
…”what I was feeling was that my soul drains were clogged”. Well said. Also the part about untangling the Christmas lights.
I still live in the place that I was born/raised in, about 5 minutes away from my childhood home. And, while I love it here and escape to the river whenever I can, the home I’ve always know is quickly becoming a concrete jungle and the city core just 3 miles north of me is ugly, grey, congested, and cold….not something that I bargained for at all. It’s quite a contrast from one end of the main drag to the other – from country to city. I hide in the country end as much as possible. I feel bitter at times that the place I’ve always known/loved is changing – and not for the better. I really wanted to stay here but just don’t know if I can.
An excellent read and I could very much relate to it.