WANTON WEDNESDAYS: WEEK 10
LOVE THYSELF
It’s been two long, dreary, rainy weeks, but I am finally back (and a day early too!) with another edition of Wanton Wednesdays. Let’s cut to the chase because the WW train is about to pull into Masturbation Station.
You’re blushing already, aren’t you?
I do realize that in writing this article, I run the risk of my mother never again looking me in the eye, but what can I say? Consider yourself warned, Katrina.
Last night, as Becky and I were frantically running around downtown Vancouver, being the woman that I am I decided it would be best if we multi-tasked. I waited at my landlord’s suite door to get a parking pass, and I instructed Becky to go down to my suite to answer the phone and let Amy inside if she buzzes my front door. I jingled the keys into her hand and sent her towards the elevator.
“Oh…ahhh…my phone is on my nightstand. But, um, just to warn you, my vibrator’s probably on my nightstand too.”
And with that one little v-word, I saw Becky’s eyes bulge out a little bit, somewhat in shock and somewhat in amusement. Probably somewhat in embarrassment too. However, generally speaking, is it all that shocking, amusing or embarrassing?
Photo courtesy of flyzipper on Flickr
“99 percent of men of all ages masturbate regularly and the other one percent are liars.” - Sue Johanson, Canadian sex educator and counselor
Who among you can say you don’t engage in a little bit of self-lovin’ on a regular or semi-regular basis? Most everyone has attempted it at one point or another in their lives. In fact, a whopping 98% of adults reported having done so [source]. It should also come as no surprise that the age at which girls dance the She-Bop or guys polish their bayonets for the first time is somewhere in the mid-teens [source]. Keep in mind that the average age of 15 is only the age to which people are admitting - it would seem likely that self-discoveries are made at much, much younger ages. In fact, one astonishing thing I learned in the numerous child psychology courses I’ve taken is that most of these self-discoveries happen long before children even enter grade school. (Though keep in mind that at such an age, the act is not correlated as something sexual in nature).
“The only thing about masturbation to be ashamed of is doing it badly.” - Sigmund Freud
If the statistics aren’t lying, then it can be easily agreed on that double-clicking one’s own mouse is something that’s a very real part of the lives of the vast majority of people you know (yes, even you). So why the stigma around masturbation?
If we share a fantastic (or even less-than-stellar) sexual experience with someone else, we usually end up discussing it with our friends. Maybe I’m generalizing there - I doubt men get into the nitty gritty with each other as much as us women do. (Correct me if I’m wrong with that one, fellas.)
If we share a fantastic (and always stellar) sexual experience with ourselves, we tell no one. I don’t see what the difference is. Granted one event is solo, but aren’t they both equally intimate?
Perhaps some of the shame lies with the fact that it’s never really been something that’s openly discussed as being okay. At a young age, when I first discovered it myself, I was absolute and positively convinced that I was the only person on the face of the planet engaging in such “disgraceful” behavior and that it was very, very wrong. It was never something I learned about and never something I was taught that it was okay to do. In fact, it wasn’t until I came upon the ripe age of 18 that I finally felt comfortable with it at all. I’ve long said that education is one of the strongest suits we can hold in the game of life, and I believe the same is especially true of our own bodies.
“Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” - Woody Allen
Oddly enough, for one of the oldest aspects to human sexuality, it seems as though masturbation is one dirty little secret that is still locked up in so many closets. I’m very interested to know how many of you are really even willing to discuss this hot button topic, being as I’m sure it’s very private for more than a handful of my blog’s readers. For those of you who are bursting at the seams to share with the class, here are some questions for thought:
Why do you feel there is such a huge stigma around the topic of masturbation?
Is this aspect of your sex life something you’re fairly private about or something that comes up often in conversation?
Don’t let me stop you there - this is one topic that could go anywhere or stay in one place. Just don’t forget the disclaimer…
* In commenting, please be aware that comment moderation is strictly enforced. All IP addresses are recorded, and any comments of a malicious, slandering, or otherwise inappropriate nature will be instantly deleted and the user blocked. Everyone on here should feel free to discuss, debate, ask and share in a safe manner. Let’s keep this SFO (Safe For the Office) *
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13 Comments
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If anyone hasn’t done so already, may I recommend tanning bed masturbation, as it’s warm, relaxing, and you have a full 20 naked mins all to yourself….;)
Just cause I thought you’d leave it in the night stand next to the statue of the virgin Mary.
agreed on the tanning bed -! its so easy, a tasty little treat
i dunno materbating isn’t the taboo subject it used to be, but i know it used to be up there with anal sex as far as being taboo
i blame religion, its efficient; they’ve tarnsihed everything fun and then some
Nothing shocks your mother!
RE: “aren’t they equally intimate?” - I say no. Giving to another is very different than giving to yourself. This is especially true when giving to another is such a pleasure that receiving doesn’t really seem all that important. That kind of intimacy is impossible when it’s just yourself involved.
I think the stigma surrounding masturbation partly stems from the fact that it’s just so different for every person. There are so many different reasons why we do, other than just a sexual desire - such as stress release, or control. To pin it down to something that is the “same for everyone - every does it” so we all feel comfortable just isn’t going to happen. As it is with most sexual topics, everyone’s experience is different than the other. We have some common denominators, but the most important factors are far more complex.
I agree that some groups/individuals (namely religious) have turned something natural into taboo. I don’t think that masturbation is wrong (and that is my “religious” viewpoint). However, I think there can be real dangers in it. It’s important to look issues such as the negative effect it can have on intimacy with another, or when masturbation becomes cheating (as discussed in previous WW posts).
I don’t fall into the 1% category of liars – but the truth is that it’s not something I do a whole lot of. I just don’t want to – and I don’t feel a need to. As a married woman to a normal horney man, I’ve got all the lovin’ I want and then some. …of course when I was single it was a different story…
i agree that the influence of religion on our society is most responsible for any stigma that exists. that said, i was raised catholic and it didn’t stop me from becoming a virtuoso of the ’stand up organ’
i think masturbation is a natural human itch that deserves scratching. most of the time it doesn’t compare with the real thing (sadly i’ve been in a couple relationships where it was a more enticing option). but if you are single or you can’t be with the one you love, there’s nothing that relaxes you like a good wank before bedtime.
here’s an interesting topical link that i found on digg today…
http://gizmodo.com/342609/how-to-convert-a-thighmaster-in-the-ultimate-pleasure-machine-nsfw
you might want to wait until you get home until click the link as it has one pic of a vibrator
I think the real stigma regarding self-loving is not the act itself, but rather, being caught in the act, lol. Even then, if one has a good outlook on life, being caught can provide a good, anecdotal conversation piece between groups of men and women alike.
“There was this one time when I was in the bath and my brother/sister/Dad, walked in….”
Hehe.
Good post, Keira-Anne; it brought a smile to my face this morning.
I like it. It’s adjustable!
(Sue Johanson is my favorite Canadian)
oh wow, the tanning bed too funny, I was just sharing “my dirty little secret”-how great the tanning bed feels with someone the other day. Great post Keira. I am once again, (being no longer in a relationship) engaging in self lovin’ and while it is not as satisfying as sharing it with another, it is sure doing the trick for the time being
Oh, one of my favorite songs by Billy Joel, Captain Jack, is about masturbation.
Captain Jack will get you high tonight
and take you to your special island
Captain Jack will get you by tonight
Just a little push
and you’ll be smiling
Tanning beds. Ingenious!
There’s not much wrong with masterbation if its for relaxation purposes, stress relief or other benign purposes. When masterbation is used in conjunction with porn for self gratification, (note the turn of phrase there because there is no love in porn) or self gratification in a relationship where the object of desire is other than ones partner then it is a harmful practice. As to religon “spoiling it for everyone” I think that the morals laid down by which we live our everyday lives, don’t steal, kill, covet thy neighbors wife or property etc are what keep us on the right tracks. There’s nothing wrong with them and I much prefer to abide by something that’s there for my benefit.
Hmmm. Being a single boy, I do engage in said practice regularly (is this still SFO? — if not, don’t post this one, Keira-Anne!). I think it’s natural and I do talk about it with my close friends. However, since it’s much more exciting to me to speak about when I get laid rather than when I engage in self-gratification, the conversations around having sex are many more than those about masturbation.
I think that the stigma arises from a lack of awareness of oneself. I know myself and I like myself, even now that I put on 10 pounds thanks to all sorts of Mexican food made by my truly lovable Mom. Speaking of Mom, my mother actually knew I had masturbated for the first time (she’s the mom of five boys, so she really had to get used to speaking about sex all the time) when I mentioned it over breakfast.
And she didn’t even blink. She said “I have read that it’s healthy for boys to engage in self-gratification often”. You can imagine how much I love, respect and admire my mother for her positive attitude and openness to discuss anything and everything, including sex.
Im not sure there is any sort of clear, single or logical reason for the stigma surrounding masturbation. Within my family, no one talks about sex or sexual anatomy for any reason simply because everyone (other than me, my parents decided a religious upbringing was not something they wanted to give me) is devoutly Roman Catholic and have been taught by their various religious teachers that speaking about, thinking about, or engaging in sex (outside of the privacy, shame, and pragmatism of a private marriage bed) is SIN. With other boys, during my early years of puberty, masturbation wasn’t talked about or admitted very often simply because the idea in my social circle was that if you were masturbating that meant you were a loser and simply couldn’t get a girlfriend. (Which in retrospect I find veeeeeery funny, and very sad, since as the years passed I realized half of those boys didn’t even understand the mechanics of intercourse.)
Today, there are some people I discuss masturbation with, and others I don’t. Since I see self-stimulation as a normal healthy activity, I wish I could talk about it with everyone, should the need or desire to do so arise. What stops me is if the other person is totally uncomfortable, or if Im pretty sure they would be.