WANTON WEDNESDAYS: WEEK 8
DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL
I believe that I am a magnet - a magnet for infidelity, that is.
1. When I was 18, I dated a young man who seemed somewhat enamoured with me. This was short-lived, however, as he started dating a girl who was much, much younger than me very soon after we broke up. I’d have to be a complete idiot to think they weren’t already fooling around before we broke up. The grapevine likes to gossip.
2. A couple years later, I dated a man who was a fair bit older than me but, for some reason, could only have dinner or see movies late in the evening. By late, I mean after 10:00 p.m. That didn’t take long to fall apart, and it wasn’t long before I found out he was nearly engaged.
3. The last person I dated for a lengthy time was a relationship that ended over two years ago, but his arrogance still seethes me. His phone was always ringing at 2:00 a.m., he was aloof about his goings-on and certainly wasn’t always reachable.
What is most appalling about all of these instances is that I turned a blind eye to what was happening. Sure, I knew deep down that things certainly weren’t kosher, but did I speak up about it? Nope, sure didn’t.
Photo courtesy of rumorebianco on Flickr
Cheating is certainly not a new trend. Men and women have cheated within relationships for as long as they’ve been walking the Earth. What I don’t understand is the “why.”
In any of my relationships in which the men I was with were unfaithful to me, not “putting out” on my part was never an issue, so I can’t chalk it up to that. However, a repeated pattern in any regard should be a red flag. In something I recently watched (though the name of it escapes me at the moment), the female lead was complaining about her lack of luck in relationships to a male friend of hers. She lamented that she must be picking the wrong men. “Not so,” he replied. “The one thing all these men have in common is you.” Ouch.
Before we can really chew on this and discuss why it is people cheat, what is considered cheating within a relationship? Wikipedia defines cheating within personal relationships as:
With regard to human relationships, couples tend to expect sexual monogamy of each other. If so, then cheating commonly refers to forms of infidelity, particularly adultery. However, there are other divisions of infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with the other sex may equally be as damaging to one of the parties. Emotional cheating may be correlated to that of emotional abuse, which to date is treated as seriously in a court of law as physical cheating. With the expansion of understanding of other cultures, there is a wide spectrum of what cheating means. When in a committed relationship, the definition of cheating is based on both parties opinions and both parties may redefine their understanding to match the party at an either lower or higher extreme of this definition. Some couples simply believe that cheating constitutes doing anything, whether verbal or physical, that one would not do in front of their significant other. Such examples would include: Kissing, Making out, and Sexual Relations.
Many people consider cheating to be any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, which may or may not include sexual monogamy. For example, in some polyamorous relationships, the concepts of commitment and fidelity do not necessarily hinge on complete sexual or emotional monogamy. Whether polyamorous or monogamous, the boundaries to which people agree vary widely, and sometimes these boundaries evolve within each relationship.
Do you agree? Disagree? What’s considered cheating in your eyes? Sex? Oral sex? Kissing? There are a million different answers here, so let’s hear some of yours.
In my own opinion, I believe that the aforementioned “emotional cheating” is just as damaging and hurtful as physical cheating, if not moreso. I’ve long believed that people cheat for reasons that are mostly anything but physical - I think that it ultimately leads back to having needs met. Surely those that do seek the arms of another can state that it’s all about the sex because they don’t want to have sex with their partner. However, I believe that if one’s needs are being met, all around, that the cheating wouldn’t take happen in the first place.
If your partner was making time for you, listening to you, loving on you and respecting you, and this was a mutual meeting of the needs, would you not want to spend time in your partner’s bed rather than that of a stranger? Of course there are going to be circumstances, such as those who are, among other things, addicted to sex or lack any sense of moral responsibility, who could cheat even despite having all needs at home met.
Why do you think men and women cheat? Is it purely physical or the result of something deeper that’s unsettling?
For this girl, I’m a one-man woman. I have no desire to share my man with another, whether I know of it or not. I believe that karma’s a bitch (even though I don’t quite believe in karma), and for me, cheating’s never okay. I suppose you could say that my experiences have left me, to a certain extent, somewhat jaded, paranoid and cynical. I’d like to still believe that there are men out there who are one-woman gentlemen.
Do you tolerate it?
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11 Comments
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[...] Original post by Keira-Anne [...]
its from sex and the city!!!!!
Ah yes, Cheating…
I sort of consider cheating to be anything that you wouldn’t tell your partner about openly. Having coffee with someone behind your partner’s back where you know your partner wouldn’t approve could qualify as cheating.
And it just gets worse from there.
I’ve been cheated upon, and it was NOT fun obviously. So, I don’t have any patience for infidelity, dishonesty, or betrayal. Maybe it’s the Scorpio in me which thrives on the idea of loyalty, but cheating is the ultimate act of disloyalty.
I’ve lost friends b/c they cheated on people and I called them out on it; and I know that I would have no patience and there is no forgiving under almost any circumstance…
It’s always been obvious to me which guys I dated were “cheaters” and which were not. I choose to date the “cheaters” because of issues with my self esteem and such - but I always knew full well what I was doing. What a lonely time of my life…! When I met my husband, I struck gold. He’s mature, fun, sexy, adventurous, and commited. All relationships run the risk of someone being unfaithful, and sometimes the line is blurred. We make a point of talking about everything and we try to avoid getting to a point or a situation where infidelity is an easy option.
can’t wait to talk on sunday!
Cheating is the absolute, number 1, unforgivable for me. Kissing, and anything above and beyond, I consider cheating. That also includes, of course, in the emotional state as well. I think it’s completely inappropriate to speak in a manner to someone else as you would your partner in said relationship. I have never cheated on anyone, and won’t tolerate it being done to me. As why for people cheat, I couldn’t say. I always figured that if you could even consider the possibility of cheating on the person your with, then maybe you should really think about not being in that, or any, relationship.
I wouldn’t tolerate any cheating since I wouldn’t do it and consider it to be the act of a coward & a spineless person. You’ve gotta be totally worthless to cheat on a girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse. Even if the relationship is heading no where, end it properly first before going for someone else.
That’s all I have to say about it, cause I am a very loyal person and I believe that if 2 people fell in love they can certainly make it last. With some efforts.
This is a topic that hits very close to home for me. My last boyfriend cheated on me. And not just once. I turned a blind eye, made excuses in my head, and tried to tell myself that he would grow up and one day be the man I wanted to spend my life with. Of course I was wrong. Looking back, I only blame myself for one thing and that’s putting up with it for so long and not believing that I deserved better. He has not been faithful to any girlfriend he’s ever had (including his new, current woman). Why I ever thought that he would be different with me, I’m not so sure. I just loved him so much that I couldn’t fathom losing him no matter how much he hurt me. In my case as well, it was never an issue of me not “putting out”…my ex definitely falls into your category of those who “lack any sense of moral responsibility, who could cheat even despite having all needs at home met.” I chalk it up to insecurity on his part and needing external validation. I don’t think that there’s one reason people cheat. Definitely it’s different for every person and in every situation.
I certainly evolved throughout the process of breaking up, moving on and getting over him (something that for a long time I didn’t think would ever be possible…thankfully I was wrong, and I am over him). I think I needed to go through what I did to become the stronger person that I am today. I can say unequivocally though, that I will never tolerate being cheated on in a committed relationship again.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. That’s how I see it anyway.
^^^ A friend of mine was in a similar situation as Jennifer described. When the guy asked for her number he was still dating someone else. When they started seeing each other he was seeing two other girls at the same time. Sounds pretty crazy but they actually dated for a while and this guy completely changed my friend. Sad but true.
as far as your comment on men, it is tough to get a good BS detector as a woman until you are older. i think most of us have been cheated on at some point — there are good ones, they don’t all cheat. the key is knowing what to look for.
get out your scarlett letters now, but i cheated, in a marriage of 10 years that ended. for much of it i couldn’t figure out why i felt a hole and a lack of soul, i knew it was wrong but i was missing something huge and i felt i couldn’t live without it. i should have left ages before, and would have had i known he was busy cheating me out of thousands of dollars and lying to me about a drug habit and god knows whatelse
so fucking someone can be in multiple ways; he isn’t better because he didn’t screw someone else, and to be quite honest, given this last 1.5 years, i am happy i had brief moments of joy outside or it would have all been a lie
i am with a man now who finally makes me realize what i was missing all those years, sexually, emotionally, intellectually; it doesn’t excuse what i did, but i certainly didn’t do it to get my rocks off, i was utterly empty and looking for something. i have more now than i ever dreamed of and wouldn’t EVER betray him; the thought of it makes me ill
people do very very odd and bad things when tehy are unhappy — bad people do good things and good people do bad things
in the end it is about owning up to your shit and being honest, and looking back i was needlessly honest
life is messy and relationships can be brutal
if you look for a man with a deep heart and soul and a true ability to see himself clearly and his actions clearly you will find loyalty
giving your heart away to someone that stomped all over via bitterness or inability to trust leaves life empty and hopeless, why give someone the power to take your heart when they didn’t care enough to cherish it in the first place
love is everything
I think cheating happens both in heterosexual as well as in same-sex relationships, although admittedly there’s this running belief (or joke) that gay men sleep around. Not everyone does. However, the wide-spread belief still remains. The apparent reason behind it? Availability and/or need of sex.
In my case, I was emotionally cheated upon well before my relationship ended and the actual physical act happened right after we had officially broken up. I didn’t date for a long while because I didn’t trust anyone. Right now, I would find it hard to believe that someone will be entirely faithful, but I haven’t lost hope either.
Most importantly, I believe that karma is a bitch and cheating will only bring hurt and pain. So, even if I am in a committed relationship and my partner cheats on me, that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with my (soon to be ex-) partner. I think it’s important to remember that cheating is a decision made by the cheater that is in no way a reflection of the self-worth of the person who is being cheated on.
My brother had a joke where he said that if his best friend ever slept with his girlfriend, he was doing him two favours: he got rid of the not-so-best friend and at the same time, he got rid of the cheating girlfriend. That’s how I see it now
… just my two cents!
Cheating is the label given to an act that in nature is completely normal. Obviously we’ve got a whole society built in several mostly agreed upon conventions that surpress what is natural instinct, so it doesn’t give every human license to fuck everyone. But its important to remember that the theory that humans are monogamous by nature, is just that, a theory.
I try not to think of it as cheating. Stay with me… I believe that if you’re involved with someone, and that someone at some point starts seeing someone else… morover, having a physical relationship with that someone, I think it is an indicator that that someone provides something else.. perhaps even something that your partner needs more.. whatever it may be. In the end, if you were a good match and satisfied on so many levels, than why would either need to be with someone else?
This is not to say that my personal motto is to be polygamous, but I resist the tradition of labeling things as cheating or the belief that everyone should be monogamous otherwise they are bad.
Unfortunately in my own life I have little experience with long term serious relationships, so I cannot much comment from first-hand experience. But I got plenty of second hand experience! At this point I’m more interesting in finding one person that is my equal/my partner is this life. Its hard enough to find that… Ill worry about one day being faced with wanting someone else later…