Keira-anne.com

The Abandonment Recovery website defines an abandoholic as:

“one who has a tendency to become attracted or attached to unavailable people. Abandonment survivors are often caught up in this painful pattern. Instead of being addicted to a substance, abandoholics are addicted to the emotional drama that accompanies heartbreak.”

Abandoholism is a new concept, and the definition sounds rather masochistic, but it’s entirely accurate. Much like a physical addiction, such as alcohol abuse, abandoholism causes the body to rely on certain chemicals and the flow of stress hormones to sustain.

Also, much like a substance addiction, when one chooses to change their current path of self-abuse, an admission is always the first step.

I am an abandoholic. I suffer from what’s known as Fear of Abandonment.

Last night, my mother and I shared at great lengths with each other some very real truths about who I am at my core and how certain events in my life have shaped the person that sits here writing at this computer today at 26. I’m frightened and scared and completely overwhelmed. It almost feels as though I have to re-learn who Keira is. In fact, I have even gone so far as to delete my MSN picture because I can’t even bear to look at my own face. I don’t know who I see anymore.

I have long held the belief that, though my Opa (who was very much my best friend) died when I was 15 and my own father died two years later when I was 17, I have always been a person of fortitude in regards to dealing with fall-out. I have taken pride in the fact that I have “dealt with it” and am totally fine discussing those past events, as well as answering questions that any may have. This is not the case.

In the years since my father’s death, a pattern has most certainly emerged in my life and I can no longer deny it. My fear of abandonment has since caused me to reach out to a few men in my life that were, to me, unattainable. They were a challenge and I thrived off of it. People have told me countless times that I choose unavailable men and I was always slightly offended at the notion. Perhaps there was some truth in what they said, but I certainly wasn’t ignorant enough to deliberately do so.

When attracted to someone (whether romantically or platonically), abandoholism arouses in the sufferer a fear of losing this person, which in turn triggers a landslide.

Because these patterns were cast in past experiences, current situations cause the ramifications to manifest. As a teenager, two key sources of my approval and self-worth vanished in the blink of an eye. Chemical connections allowed this to internalize, turning it around and making it about me.

“What did I do wrong?”
“How was I unlovable?”
“What could I have done differently to make him stay? To make him change?”

The scariest thing about this is that rather than the fear of abandonment dissolving over time, it unfortunately only tends to gain intensity. This is revealed through insecurities, and each rejection only encourages that insecurity to grow. From here, the drive of abandoholism causes the afflicted to berate, compare and belittle themselves in comparison to any others. This is, undoubtedly, where my seemingly unending doubts of self-worth or image are being revealed.

Is it any wonder I am constantly questioning whether or not I’m good enough or attractive enough or smart enough or loving enough?

What I am experiencing is of vital importance. I have ultimately concluded that this is something that needs to be fixed. I don’t need a Band-Aid solution or sugary-sweet coating on any of this. I think that, were I to continue living my life under such a pattern, things will only continue to get worse. I will continue to live a life of destruction rather than one of exhortation. I truly think that seeking a professional counsellor is the only concrete solution.

I want things to change. I want to be healthy. I want to make smart choices. I want to be of sound mind.

I have wonderful and amazing people in my life right now, and I want to have spirited and strong relationships with all of them. I know that, deep down, the people in my life today that I love, I love completely and I love them true. I need to find some balance. I don’t want my irrational fears of that person abandoning or leaving me to interfere with the connections that should be made and solidified.

The readership of my blog may not be in the double digits, but it is most certainly loyal. There are few things in life between people that are more important than honesty. Though come to think of it, there really isn’t anything in life that is more important between two people. Admitting all of this and laying my cards out on the table is the first therapeutic step I can take. To those of you that took the time to read this, I thank you.