Self-Detestation.
Here is a really bad picture of me. Click the picture to read the commentary. I promise it’s cool.
A few weeks ago I stated that I am Jell-o. I think that concept was lost on a lot of people, so let me spell it out for you. I suppose this post’s subtitle could be “Jell-o For Dummies.” Please don’t be offended.
Over the course of my 26 years and 16 days, I have met probably somewhere in the range of 6-7 men that I’ve truly desired an actual relationship with. Only one of those men ever turned out to be my boyfriend, and that lasted two months. Rad, hey?
So what about the others? Why am I not crème brullee and instead a cheap, jiggley dessert? Why is it that these men do not desire a relationship with me? I have unlocked the caramel secret, but more about that later. This post is about why men won’t step up when it comes to moi.
- My face is blotchy.
- When I cry, my face gets even more blotchy and my nose becomes some serious competition in the “who gets to pull Santa’s sleigh this year?” debate.
- I have body fat. About 15 pounds of body fat around my stomach, thighs and bum. Sometimes, I even create muffin top. Thank goodness for long, loose shirts.
- I burp. Loud!
- My nose gives Brock a serious run for his money. Mazel tov!
- I have moles and lots of them.
- When I tilt my head back, my eyebrows slope down like Jason Priestley’s.
- President Bush’s administration has been incessantly contacting me. I believe they’re interested in the deep oil wells on my face, otherwise known as my crater pores.
- I probably fart in my sleep.
- When I smile big, you can see more gums than teeth. I hate that I smile like Gwen Stefani.
- I believe I get a little obnoxious when I drink if I’m with people I’m not entirely comfortable with.
- Have you seen the stretch marks on my hips?
- After a long, hard day at work in dress shoes, do not go within ten feet of my…feet.
- I love Degrassi re-runs and always will.
- I have some heinous zitage going on up on my forehead these days. Though I believe it compliments nicely with the zits on my jawline. Kind of like that whole symmetrical thing.
- I don’t look good in a thong: never have, never will.
- For the most part I like what I wear. But there are more than enough days where, deep down, I leave the house knowing that I look semi-tragic. And I don’t care.
- I get annoyingly excited about stupid shit.
- Food is always getting stuck in my teeth and it’s gross.
Want me to keep going? I’m sure that I’ve driven the Jell-o home now. So that is why that guy and that other guy (and now apparently that other guy too) will never ever be with me.
Daaaaang I’m nasty.
Stellar!
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5 Comments
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im pretty sure i can fully feel your pain on everyone of the listed qualities and even if you have some one nice who adores you, you still feel like your completely inadequate almost 90% of the time… I would know… ha ha ha… p.s. I like degrassi and im proud ha ha ha who the fuck cares what they think about that show… and im more like 35 pounds over weight by everyone else’s standards, but i come from a fat family which doesn’t give me an excuse it just provides the other fact that even when i did starve myself i was still more like 25 pounds over weight… ha ha ha and i was thinking today… even the curvy girls in movies would look anaroexic next to me im sure… what ever though… thats life… i could change it but im a bitch when im that hungry…
Hey Vanessa,
Thanks for the input. I should make it clear that the title to my post was tongue-in-cheek. I don’t hate or detest myself, and in fact, I’m quite happy with who I am. Take me or leave me. However, there are always times or days when we question what it is about us that must not be “good enough” for others. It’s pathetic, really, that despite what we say, we really do find our validity in others’ opinions of us. I wish I could say I wasn’t like that but I am in some ways. There’s a lot to me that ain’t pretty and probably ain’t classy but I’m not going to make excuses for who I am or bend myself to fit other peoples’ boxes.
I have love for you, V.
k, well as a guy, i think i would notice like two of the things you mentioned. maybe 3 if i ever stayed up to hear you fart in your sleep, but that would be a positive thing in my books.
just sayin’
Wait it gets better as you get older - I don’t give a sh*t what people think about me anymore. I will admit it mattered when I was younger but worrying about how I measured up didn’t get me anywhere. I love you just the way you are.
the following is not to be taken in a negative or threatining manner.miles may vary.check with your local dealer for cash insentives.always use a condom…
so i was looking for some music related thing and i came across someone on this site.pretty cool since i never even knew about it. then i found your page… interesting.though your description of your “negative qualities” sounds tongue and cheek,i don’t see them as negative.they seem endearing and those qualities are part of you.i can tell how great you are just by the way you wrote each post.
of course i don’t know you and for all i know,you do fart in your sleep.after reading your posts and seeing pics of you(and i don’t mean this in some crazy stalker way)i think those reasons are part of your beauty and are qualities you don’t try to hide-the real you.and it hard to find a real person these days.or so i’ve come to find out.
i hope you don’t mind me saying, but i think your beautiful,which includes said qualites and the manner in which all your writting indicates.if i knew you i would be all over you(again,not to be taken like i’m a psycho)and to be honest,your only 26.your have along way to go.but that’s just me…