"All is fair in love and we’re in love…"
As we sat around the table this afternoon, I listened to the stories and experiences of married women. One was a newlywed, one was at her tenth year, one was at her twentieth and one was a grandmother. Some stories were sweet and got me excited, while other stories were told with a dash of bitterness planted at their roots. In the middle of it all, Gavin (my bossman) barged in for more coffee and to make the announcement that Britney Spears filed for divorce from Kevin Federline, citing the ever-popular “irreconcilable differences.” Many saw that coming, few thought it’d ever come to fruition.
The more we ladies talked, the more I pondered. Marriage is a topic I have long thought about and tossed over in my mind again and again. It’s something I have questioned more than once and there is no doubt in my mind that I have very strong convictions with regards to these matters. I have always been of the idea that a “marriage” and a “wedding” are two totally different matters. Some people treat the wedding as the means to a marriage, and sadly, some people get married simply as the means to having a wedding. After many years of seeing friends get married, friends get divorced, celebrities get married, celebrities get divorced, I have come to the solid conclusion that I’m not really sure I want a wedding or a marriage. Let me explain this…
I believe in the institution of marriage, and by that, I believe in the life-long commitment it pertains to and the covenant you enter into with your spouse. In today’s day and age, signing a marriage certificate does not protect that covenant any more or less than not signing one does. Too many people, it seems, enter into the idea of getting married with the thought of “well, if it doesn’t work out, divorce is always an option.” In this narrator’s humble opinion, if you are already thinking of such an idea, the chances of a divorce actually happening are pretty imminent. The sacred bond of a marriage seems so entirely lost in today’s society that it’s caused a lot of cynicism to grow inside of me.
So where is my stance on this? Obviously I am an adult woman on the verge of her 26th birthday, and companionship is something that is very important to me. In fact, it’s something that’s becoming harder and harder to live without. However, like I said, signing a piece of paper means absolutely nothing. Wearing a 1-carat diamond ring in a platinum setting means nothing. Nothing. It’s fleeting. What does mean something is commitment, which is why I think my values would best be served by a commitment ceremony. The purpose of such a ceremony would be to proclaim to each other, to our family and friends and to God our desire and vow to pledge ourselves eternally to each other. And in that proclamation, ask for accountability from those closest to us in keeping to our word. I’m not saying I wouldn’t wear a white dress or exchange rings. However, isn’t the ring simply supposed to be symbollic of the profession?
I am not speaking ill of anyone that marries or wears the white dress or has the diamond ring. For most people, that’s what they want and it isn’t wrong to desire those things. It’s just my wish that people, generally speaking, would be more aware of their choices and decisions in this regard. Divorce is not an option. When the going gets tough, the tough get to counselling or therapy or whatever is necessary. Of course, there will always be exceptions when health and safety are at stake, but it would make my heart so happy to see more people willing to fight hand and foot for the ones they proclaim to love.
I’m not sure what else I can write with regards to this. I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences and opinions, whether you side with me or have an entirely different dispostion to this topic.
You’re listening to: “Home Life” by John Mayer from the album Heavier Things
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11 Comments
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im just saying, me and you COULD get married in 10 days..
think about it.
love miss dyck.
i think that for some couples, they are in a standstill in their relationships… and for some reason they figure a wedding is the next plausable step… unfortunately for quite a few the next step should have been dating other people!
i always say that if failure is an option in your brain that it only hightens the chances of it happening. so yes, i agree with that.
i also have this theory for christian couples that get married… basically it goes like this : sex.
I agree with both of you. And Brock, I think you hit the nail on the head with what you said. I think far too many Christian couples get married because they feel the pressure because getting married is the “right thing to do.” I wish there wasn’t so much sexual pressure on youth because I think it’s largely exagerrated and over-romanticized.
Anyways, it’s good to hear some opinions. And I just wanted to clarify that I’m not opposed to getting married - I just don’t think it’s a necessity.
Like, DUH. Get married and don’t sign no damn pre-nup.
Guaranteed sex for a little while, and a cash bonus if things go sour.
~Randy “Gold Digger” Andy
Amazing post, Keys. You gave various thoughts that I’ve had on this issue a shape that I can really understand. Really well written too.
Here’s some thoughts:
-The idea of a marriage and a wedding being two different things, like in concept and not just definition…that’s amazing. Did you hear that anywhere or is that your own? It’s an incredible idea. I think lots of girls fantasize about their wedding days and don’t really think about the consequences of a marriage. Like wise, I think lots of (well really only Christian) guys think about the sex and also not the consequences of a marriage. In fact, most Christian couples do that pretty equally.
-“well, if it doesn’t work out, divorce is always an option.” I totally agree with you here. If you’re entering a marriage with this thought in mind, you aren’t actually making a commmitment at all. The whole thing is a lie. The whole idea of a commitment is that there is no “it doesn’t work out.” If something is wrong, you “work it out.” That’s what a commitment is, absolutely whatever is nessicary, unless of course like you say, heath and saftey are an issue. But the idea is, also like you say, to fight for your love. FIGHT!
- I really like the idea of a commitment ceremony. With divorce rates so incredibly high, 39%, one can certainly make an argument against those fundamentalist Christians who say that “gay marriage ruins the sanctity of marriage.” Dude, fucking “regular” couples are ruining the sanctity of marriage in a much more catastrophic way… by turning it into a decision that can be made flippantly and without any real understanding of what the whole event is supposed to be about. When something is so routinely and commonly made cheap (marriages becoming divorces) it loses anything that made it significant in the first place.
Withholding all that though, here’s what freaks the shit out of me: I got this from statscan: Married couples in Newfoundland and Labrador are the least likely to divorce, with 2002 figures showing 21.8% of marriages expected to end in divorce within 30 years of marriage. In contrast, 47.6% of couples in Quebec are expected to divorce within this time span. Alberta (41.9%), British Columbia (41.0%) and the Yukon (43.4%) also experienced divorce rates higher than the national average.
What makes me think I won’t become a statistic? My resolve? So many people I know come from homes with divorced parents. I have real trouble accepting that all of them “just didn’t care enough to make it work.” I’m pretty sure no-one enters a marriage thinking that they will be divorced. I’m pretty sure everyone enters thinking that it’s going to work out forever. And yet…39%. That percentage is really daunting. It almost seems ignorant to think “that won’t be me.” Don’t get me wrong, when I’m married, the concept of divorce doesn’t exist as far as I’m concerned. But you can’t ignore that “the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.”
I’m pretty overwhelmed at the responses I’m getting from this. It seems I’m not the only one feeling devastated at the state of “marriage” in our modern society. I’m also surprised at the likemindedness to my thoughts that those who have responded are displaying.
As Brock and I discussed today, 2000 years ago, husbands and wives didn’t sign certificates to become such. True, government and religion were interchangeable entities but the theory and the reasoning remains the same.
The definition of “marriage” includes the following explanations:
1) a social institution under which a man and woman establish their decision to live as husband and wife by legal commitments, religious ceremonies, etc.;
2) a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife, without legal sanction; and
3) any close or intimate association or union.
That being defined, there are two sides to a “marriage,” the main difference being that one is recognized as a national institution and the other is not. I’m not sure what it is that causes people to think that it’s necessary to sign a certificate and become validated by Ottawa. It really isn’t.
I will reiterate what I stated originally in my post. What I desire and what matters to me is to proclaim before family, friends and God that I love and cherish the man I am pledging to, that I desire to fight hand and foot to keep it together for the rest our lives and that I’m willing to stand still and not let go. A huge part of making that commitment before so many is the accountability factor. I think it’s important that those closest to you are invited into such a union.
The commitment of marriage, however you, personally, define it, is a deeply intimate union…an intimacy that is one-of-a-kind. That is not a decision to be made lightly. So I leave you with this thought…
…how well do we really know the one we love? How do we really know that what they tell you is what they feel convicted of in their heart?
Hey keira-darling..
I totally agree with you.. and if i was ever to refer someone on how to get married..go elope.. heck, the ‘big’ wedding day is way too stressful and so not worth it, because all you should really be focusing on is the person you’re marrying and really you’re stressed out because you’re trying to please others; setting up the reception, food, renting a building..seating.. soo much.. it’s not fun..
But also on the divorce angle.. i can testify to this because i know how it feels like to fight with the person you love(not fun..and also it’s healthy to have a little fighting in your marriage) but i think it’s soo rediculous that people have divorce as a option..
when josh and i got married we said that it wasn’t a option.. and we’ve been working everything out and we agreed to marriage counselling 3 times in our first year, and once before we got married to help us along..
and you know what we have had some hard days, but that doesn’t mean you should quit.. we’re in love, and yah..when you’re living with someone 24/7 you do fight no matter if it’s your girlfriend, mother, or husband..
rad post girl, and i love you lots..
PS. STARBUCKS CHRISTMAS IS HERE!!
and also.. i didn’t marry for sex, you know that.. i’m a christian and i married because i love him so much , sex wasn’t even a issue.. trust me it wasn’t that great, but cosmo has so been teaching me that it’s so better than missionary…haha jk..overload!
chow girlie!
Thanks for your input, Jess. It’s great to get yet another angle on the “Great Debate of the Week.” I don’t doubt for a moment that you and Josh got married for any reason other than that you love each other and are committed to doing so, day-in, day-out.
I agree that fighting is a natural (and somewhat healthy) part of any relationship. What gets me is when you see celebrity couples splitting up for such ridiculous reasons as “our work schedules didn’t match up.” What the hell is that? When you marry someone, that person becomes your number one priority. If your job is interfering in the relationship, you quit your job, cut back, or find a new one.
Anyways, I’m glad to hear that things are working out so well for you guys already - it’s been more than two months! Plus, you’re right - Cosmo can be a girl’s best friend! Missionary is so…last year. That one doesn’t make an often appearance for me. I will warn you, however, that the “hot sex tips” in Cosmo get really repetitive.
Here’s some more interesting things to consider:
Historically, the notion of marriage for love is something that was really only for stories and plays. Most marriages have been arranged by parents. Marriage was a natural step in life, but love was considered something you learned how to do for someone that was chosen for you. Marriage for purely love’s sake was considered a romantic, but otherwise impractical idea. What does that say about our society?
Not that I think arranged marriages are the ideal by any means either. I think the key difference to take away from arranged marriages versus love marriages is that in an arranged marriage, both people are entering the contract without any rose-coloured assumptions. Unless they both are willing to make sacrifices and be accomodating, it will not work. I think the problem with love marriages is taht too many pole enter into it with the assumption that “Love! Love will keeps together!” That kind of love is fleeting, a marriage is work.
I really like your idea of accountability in a “marriage.” I think that you’d really have to be sure you found the right people to be accountable too, but with that, I think it would be a real benefit.
One more thought. In my last comment I’d mentioned my fear of that dreaded 39%. Here’s the glass half-full way to look at it that sorta helps: 61% percent of couples do get it right. Well, after the first 30 years of marriage at least according to the stat, but the chances of divorce after 30 years is fairly remote. Anyway, the point is as scary as 39% is, 61% is pretty encouraging, and even though 61% is only a “C” grade, I’ve always been an over-acheiver myself. Hahaha.
While doing a bit of research on my latest blog entry, I read a few takes on why divorce was so prevalent these days. Without a doubt, many people jump into marriage thinking that divorce is a viable option (as you said). But also, divorce used to be a lot more difficult, at least from a social standpoint, than it is today. As a bare minimum, I think couples should be forced to undergo some type of counseling before they are released from the vows of marriage.
That being said, there are situations when it is warranted, and not every relationship can be made to work, but I think it is far over-utilized nowadays.
In terms of my last relationship, looking back I made so many excuses for her behavior regarding the ideologies discussed in this entry, hoping she would come around eventually. Unfortunately, the person I constructed in my head was different than the person I ended up dating, and looking back I wish I would have realized that much sooner.
Such are the trails of the heart I guess.